It doesn’t matter.

Okay, so, first things first. I didn’t have time to post my Instagram photos last week for my Thursday Throwback. Perhaps I’m not cut out for planned, weekly features. Time will tell, I guess. But here they are.

You might sense a somber tone in my writing today…and that’s because last week was a bit tough. Harper has been going through some physical/emotional/developmental changes that have totally disrupted her sleep cycle, put her in a bit of pain and caused her to have quite a few Harper fits. Needless to say, I am drained. But, things are looking up. I’m getting used to the multiple wake-up calls every night (I was so spoiled before with her sleeping 10-12 hours a night), and the new things she’s learned are quite adorable. She might even have a couple new teeth poking out soon.

If you’re wondering about the random brown stove, it’s from a condo I have under-contract for a real estate client of mine. I just thought it was cool looking - especially with the super-retro linoleum reflecting on the glass. And the Shiny Brite ornaments? That’s a pic I snapped while taking down my Christmas decorations this week (finally). I’m sad to see the dead tree lying next to my driveway, but I’m happy to have the white space on the wall again. I need to figure out something awesome to put there in its place.

I feel like my photos for last week are a bit boring…and they are…but I promise they will get better. We didn’t get out much! I already have some good ones in the works for next week.

AND NOW…for the topic of the post: IT DOESN’T MATTER.

I’ve learned to repeat this little sentence over and over in my head when things really start getting to me. With everything going on last week, it was no small feat to not have a complete meltdown about once an hour. Everything was getting to me: the fact that there’s a conference for blogging (how dumb/yet, I wish I was there) in Salt Lake City, that people find it necessary to criticize others because they’re successful at something (myself including - geez I am a walking dichotomy), that I am so consistently inconsistent, that I STILL haven’t finished the skirt knitting pattern I’ve been working on several weeks, that I don’t have a delicious dinner on the table every night when Scott gets home, that I can’t seem to find one hour a day to exercise, that the other knitters at knit night on Thursday were talking about how people would “be better parents if they’d just quit wasting their time blogging” and other nonsense.

Yeah, I know. Lots of irrationality going on here. But that’s what happens when you pair little-to-no-sleep with an already wobbly self-esteem.

So yesterday, I took Harper for a looong walk and had a moment of clarity. I realized that the people who make me feel all negative and weird with some comment on my blog or Facebook (or whatever) probably don’t care about me. At least, they don’t care enough about me for me to waste my time feeling sad over their comments.

Then, I discussed all this with Scott, and I had another realization: I’m just as bad about sending negative vibes out to others when I am jealous/envious/etc. Here’s how the conversation went down:

Me: I’m so annoyed that so-and-so is a featured speaker at that blogging conference. Her blog sucks. Nobody even reads it.

Scott: Well, she ended up at the conference somehow, right? I mean fake it ’til you make it. She got there.

Me: Oh well. Anyway, different topic. I felt all weird at knitting night. Everyone there was knitting more complicated things than I was, so I didn’t dare mention that I sell patterns on Ravelry. They probably would have ignored me the rest of the night. They probably don’t think I’m worthy of being called a knitter, much less a knitwear designer.

**crickets**

Scott: Did they say all that? Or did you imagine it?

Me: I guess I imagined it. I never told them I sell patterns on Ravelry.

Scott: So, if they HAD said anything…wouldn’t they basically be doing the same thing to you that you were doing to that blogger-unworthy-of-being-a-featured-speaker-at-the-blogging-conference earlier?

Me: Huh. I guess you’re right.

With that…I’m going to stick to my “It Doesn’t Matter” mantra. And, I’m going to quit with all the negativity - toward myself AND to others.

As for the people who make me feel like crap?

It doesn’t matter.

The people who think I can’t succeed at what I want to accomplish?

It doesn’t matter.

And the oftentimes unobtainable perfect standard I often hold myself to?

It doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I keep trying. And that I be a good mom to this little girl, and a good wife to my dear husband.