I've gotten some...er...negative feedback about my postpartum body posts, and writing a response just didn't seem right. So here I am - unedited and un-beautified - telling it how it is. The title is pretty self-explanatory. I hope you enjoy it or at least understand. xoxo
Wow. I can't believe three months (plus) have come and gone since little Finny was born. I had intended to do more frequent updates on my weight loss/fitness progress, but you know...things got in the way. So here I am, three months and a few days into life with three little ones. If you're new to my blog, I want to give a little explanation. After I had my third baby, I decided to post photos of my body a couple weeks before giving birth, a couple days after giving birth and a couple weeks postpartum. My goal was to show what normal people look like after having a baby - or three! I know how difficult those few months after giving birth can be on a new mom's body image and self esteem, and I imagined that seeing a normal progression could potentially help someone.
Now, I've entered the phase where my weight is almost back to normal (I still have 15 pounds to go), and I'm (barely) fitting into my old clothes. I hold all my weight in my midsection, so buttoning up my pants is still quite a challenge. My focus is now on getting enough rest, drinking enough water, eating healthier and getting into an exercise routine.
Here's how I look now:
I had been feeling quite down on myself the last couple weeks about my continued waistline struggles (even though that's COMPLETELY irrational given the short amount of time since I gave birth, but these hormones...that's what they do to us!), but I'm feeling a little better since seeing these photos. I have to laugh a little though because as you can see, my bum has gone the way of the 40 pounds I've lost so far. It's almost non-existent! I'm hoping some intense lower-body workouts will at least stop the decline. Ha!
Speaking of intense workouts...those of you who follow me on Instagram know that I started the Bikini Body Guide at about three weeks postpartum (yes, yes, I know...but it was the easiest birth ever). Well, it was going great, and I completed the pre-training and got to the second week of the regular 12-week program. Then, I hit a wall. HARD.
For whatever reason, I had zero energy. All I wanted to do was sleep and eat food that wasn't remotely part of the program. (It's mostly a high-protein, clean-eating diet.) I think it's been a combination of things - growing baby = higher caloric intake, sleep deprivation, blazing temperatures here in Portland, hormonal changes and just being busy.
So, I've been off the wagon. Like, way off. As in, not doing anything other than chasing around my three babies (which is a workout in itself). But I'm hoping to get started again within the next week or two. I'm not going to pressure myself though until I feel ready because I know my body is probably telling me to chill the eff out.
Even with my lack of exercise the past few weeks, I do think the short while that I was on the program made a difference, as the definition in my abs has started to return. You can see this in the two photos below.
BUT!
Don't go thinking I don't have a long road ahead of me. This is what I look like when I'm not totally sucking in my belly:
Yep. That is the real me. The one you see at the playground with puke on my shoulder and poop smeared on my sleeve.
When I update again, I'll hopefully be able to show you guys what an amazing transformation I've had while on the Bikini Body Guide. I'm sure that some think it's weird that I'm posting these photos here, but it really helps to motivate me to see the progress.
Oh, and for the record, my goal has been - and remains - to get healthy and strong. I've always been a thin person. I know this. But thin doesn't equal healthy! I can't keep up with my husband/kids on the most basic hike or aerobic activity. This is about having a long and fun future with my family. And, you know, about fitting into my cute handmade wardrobe. :)
P.S. Is that not the CUTEST baby you've ever seen?!
Wow. It's been almost 8 weeks...EIGHT WEEKS...since my little guy was born. The time has flown mostly sort of because we've been having fun and partially mostly because sleep deprivation tends to distort one's perception of things.
But yeah. Eight weeks have come and gone. We are settling into our new normal, and the fog seems to have lifted for the most part. Finn is sleeping around 8pm -12am, waking up to nurse and then sleeping again from 12:30am-4am these days, so there are some decent stretches of sleep sewing time in the evening/night hours.
In other words, we're surviving.
I've also been experiencing lots of feelings about my body and newfound identify as a mother (even though I've been one for over four years), and it's become super important to me to document this journey. My hope is that through posting these photos, I can not only accept and embrace the changes myself but also potentially help shed some light on this often hidden phase of maternal transformation.
It seems to me that women kind of disappear after having children. I see lots of 40-something mothers of older kids (tweens and teens) looking fabulous, sewing constantly for themselves and enjoying life, but it's the moms in the trenches (with babies, toddlers and preschoolers) who seem mostly happy to hide behind the camera lenses while sewing for their kids and staying comfortable in their elastic waist pants and maternity tops. (Of course, I'm generalizing, but you know what I mean.)
That's not to say these women/we aren't happy. True, we're exhausted. We're a bit self-conscious about our changed bodies. We're maybe even feeling a bit aimless and lost. But we are mostly enjoying life and watching our babies become real people. You know what they say - the days are long, but the years are short. Those words fell mostly on deaf ears when I was a first-time mom, but I've become painfully aware of their truth as a new mother of three.
So here I am, unedited and mostly make-up-free. My hope is that by sharing these photos, I can help another mother who is feeling frumpy and invisible to realize she's not alone (and that she's beautiful and perfect as she is). And I'm also hoping these photos will motivate me to get into my best shape so I can enjoy my family for many healthy years to come (and not just to get skinny because society tells me to). And finally, I want to change the conversation I have with myself (both internally and externally) about my appearance so I'm better able to demonstrate a positive body image to my daughter (and sons!).
Without further ado...
First, a shot of me five years ago when I was five weeks pregnant with my first baby (34"-27"-37" and 115 lbs.) compared to full-term with my third:
And here, various views of my full-term body with baby #3 (I would continue to be pregnant for more than two weeks after these were shot):
Then a couple days after giving birth to my third (I actually think I look quite beautiful and happy, despite having no sleep and wearing an adult diaper):
And at four weeks postpartum and sporting a new haircut and color (that was done well and was no fault of the stylist but that I totally regret!):
As I write this, I'm down to about 143 lbs. (my "goal" is 120-125 although I don't mind being heavier than that if I significantly increase my muscle tone). It's so crazy to think that in less than two months, I've lost 30 pounds. But that's what time and breastfeeding (and chasing after three babies!) does. At four weeks postpartum, I started the Bikini Body Guide, but I will post more about that later. Suffice it to say that I'm getting my ass kicked on a semi-daily basis.
I'm getting back into the habit of posting about sewing and creating my handmade wardrobe, but I'll also be occasionally posting about my body transformation. I hesitate to call it "progress" because I think my body is perfect as it is right now for where I am at this phase in my life. But I do hope things will change - mostly so I feel my best can fit into my handmade clothes again. ;)
Kidding, kidding. But really. You guys get it.
xoxo
I'm sewing again! Woohoo! Actually, I never stopped sewing - but I haven't been blogging because I haven't been able to fit into the things I've been sewing, or I haven't been happy with how I've looked in the things I've sewn (yet). I'll talk about that shortly. First, let me show you my lace overlay Linden Sweatshirt!
The main portion of the shirt is Pendleton French terry I purchased at the local store when it was on sale a few months ago. The lace overlay was purchased at JoAnn Fabrics. I think they still have it in stores! I found the ribbing at Mill End here in Portland.
As all Linden Sweatshirts do, this top came together quickly and easily BUT...duh duh duh...my ribbing was super stretchy with little recovery, AND, the French terry turned out to be equally squishy. So, when I put this thing on after making it in a size 6, it was H.U.G.E.
(For clarification and reference as always, my non-pregnant measurements of 34-27-37 put me in a Grainline 4, so I made this in a 6 so it would sort of fit postpartum and also fit down the road as a slouchy sweatshirt. In these photos, I am more like 38-32-40, for reference. I am 5'6" and 150 lbs as pictured. Normally I am about 120-125.)
So, I did what any normal person would do, and I chopped off all the ribbing to try again. I serged an inch off each side to begin with, then I dramatically reduced the length of the ribbing for the neckline, hem band and cuffs. This was not a fault of the pattern at all; rather, my fabric was uniquely stretchy with poor recovery. I think the ribbing had a significant amount of rayon it it...seriously, no recovery. It's nothing like the cotton/lycra ribbing I'm used to. It's super soft and comfy though.
Once I had the fit issues worked out, I was very happy with this top. The neckline is a little wider than I'd like since I had to cut off the original (I can't be bothered with unpicking serging from loop terry - no way, no how), but it kind of gives the shirt a slouchy, lived-in feel.
Now, about those body issues...I'm going to save the bulk of this discussion for its own post when I have time to collect my thoughts and am not waiting for my infant to wake up from his nap. Suffice it to say that when I grabbed my camera to peek at these photos after my husband took them, I was semi-mortified. Seriously, all I could see was my large chin, my mom hair, voluminous back and my flat butt.
I kind of wanted to cry. Then, I realized, I just had a baby a month ago. I suppose I look pretty darn good for that - especially since I've had three babies in less than four whirlwind years. And yes, I know, you'll all re-assure me that I look great. I really appreciate that. But you know? I'm not myself. When I look at photos or in the mirror, I see someone I thought I'd never become. It's not so much about the weight; no, it's more about my overall fitness and health.
You see, I didn't JUST have three babies. I've let so many things fall by the wayside - things that didn't matter when I was 22. Back then, I could stay up all night, eat McDonald's for every meal and drink soda like water. Perhaps it wasn't healthy, but it wasn't evident in my body shape or my health. But now, I'm older. I'm more tired. My metabolism is slower. I feel like I started having babies at 29 when everything on my body was in its proper place and shape, and then, I woke up five years later with three kids, 15 years added to my face and a body I don't recognize.
Can anyone else relate?
Again, I know it's only been a month. It took 4 months/8 months with my other two kids to lose my baby weight. But this isn't just about weight; it's about overall health. I want to be running around having fun with my grandkids in 30 years. I don't want my body to continue breaking down at an unreasonable rate. And damnit, I want to look good in my jeans again! (And can I have my blonde hair back??!!)
Anyway, like I said...I plan to blog more about this at length and even post photos (gasp) of my immediate post-baby body. I think it's important for me to come to terms with how motherhood has changed me physically (permanent and non-permanent), and I also want to share the reality (and possibility!) of it with others.
Stay tuned.
I hear it all the time - "You are a machine!"
"Do you sleep?!"
"Your kids are so lucky."
"How do you do it all?"
"You amaze me!"
The truth is that I'm not a machine. I sometimes don't get enough sleep. My priorities fall by the wayside. My family suffers. I am not always amazing. And as for my kids...well, yes, they are lucky to have clothes on their backs and shoes on their feet, but an unlucky consequence of having a type-A, overachieving mother/parent can often be that they get shuffled to the backburner when mommy goes into project mode.
Now, this post isn't a declaration that I'm giving up on blogging or sewing or restructuring my life in any way. I've done those before - and I've found that quitting things cold-turkey when you have my personality can seriously backfire. Instead, these are just some thoughts I've had about productivity and motherhood as it relates to sewing. I'm sharing it here because it's been on my mind and to hopefully help another parent for whom this is also a daily struggle.
Let me first set up the situation for those of you who might be newcomers. I have two children - Ezra and Harper - who are almost 2 and 4. I am due any day now (38.5 weeks) to give birth to our third, a little boy. Ezra and Harper go to preschool three full days a week (MWF), and they are home with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays (and obviously the weekends). My husband goes to work very early in the morning so he can pick them up in the afternoons. I drop them off in the mornings. Once the kids are in bed around 8pm each night, my husband and I have time to pursue "our" things - which for me is usually sewing.
YES. I know that some people think I am incredibly lucky to have three days to myself during which I can sew and pursue my business goals and all that jazz. And then, of course, there are others who think I am neglectful and selfish for having said days. To each her own. I am a better mommy when I have time to actually FOCUS on both fun projects AND pursuing business ideas that DO bring a significant amount of income to our family.
But things are about to change. We are adding another baby to the mix. Harper is starting advanced gymnastics and dance classes. Preschool days are changing and getting staggered to accommodate extracurricular activities. Naptimes don't sync up. Businesses need attention in order to stay fresh and profitable. Extended periods of sleep are few and far between.
Add to that the fact that I've recently decided I want to try to make as much of my kids' wardrobes as I can, and I get OVERWHELMED. (I want to make my own, too, but I am currently on hold until I lose the baby weight.) In fact, sometimes I get plain ole burned out.
I'm sure that people who follow me on Instagram think I have it totally together most of the time. I post photos of things I'm sewing on a daily basis along with pics of my kids and me on fun outings. Occasionally there will be a belly pic taken at the most flattering angle possible - cropped strategically to make me look "great for a pregnant woman" (as my husband says) or at least passable as not awful. My Instagram photos are not usually staged or perfect or in the best light, but they still present an image of productivity and good-doing for my family.
But friends, Instagram is not reality. Facebook is not reality. And Pinterest is sure-as-hell not reality. Nowadays, we can carefully curate our entire lives for our online "friends." And that can become really dangerous - not just to weary onlookers who feel like less of a mom because they didn't knit all six of their kids matching sweaters from hand-spun merino wool - but also to ourselves as we struggle to maintain the image that we've so carefully created for ourselves.
I have 2K followers on Instagram which to some is a TON. But I do have friends with many thousands more, and of course, there are bloggers with hundreds of thousands of strangers following their daily routines/curated selves. Do I get a high when 100+ people "like" a photo of something I'm making? Of course. Do I respond to every comment? Nope. I simply don't have time, and Instagram's interface isn't exactly the best for it. But on the dark side - do I sometimes get sad if followers "like" one photo (perhaps of my little boy) more than another (maybe of my little girl)? Yes. It's stupid, I know. But I'm a mother. It's how I'm wired. My point is that it's easy for social media to take over our persona and force us into actually being that thing we wanted - even though being that thing can be really damn hard.
Blogging and actually working toward great photos has taken a back seat for me over the past few months, but I've been sewing a TON for my kids. My goal has been to accumulate a stash of tried-and-true (TNT) patterns from which I can create their wardrobes over the next few years as they grow. But just like shopping, it can become addictive. That new shirt needs a new skirt, and that new skirt needs new leggings, and then there are shoes and socks and all other sorts of considerations that must be purchased. Oh, and if you're like me, when a pattern turns out great, you want to create a whole assembly line and make one in ALL THE FABRICS because...well, because it's addictive.
There's also pressure to create Pinterest-worthy, unique garments. The truth is that my kids would probably be happy wearing solid-color tees/tanks and leggings (Harper) and sweatpants and tees (Ezra) every day. Throw in a dress or two for Harper, and it would be like a party. Does she care if I have the perfect zipper installation or $40-yard Liberty fabric or that imported-from-Northern-Europe knit fabric with what-have-you block printed all over it?
Nope.
Do they care that I hunched over my sewing table tracing and cutting and sewing into the wee hours of the night?
Nope.
How about those countless hours I spend pinning stuff I find on blogs to a kids'-sewing-specific Pinterest board? Or the time I anxiously peruse the fabric store trying to find JUST the right combination of colors, prints and textures?
Nada.
Do they care that I just got 100 likes on Instagram on their new outfits (which undoubtedly have stains on them by now)?
Yeah, no.
How about whether or not *my* creation got featured on XYZ blog?!
Okay, I'll just stop talking.
In fact, it's probably just the opposite. My kids suffer when I am tired and stressed out. They sense my anxiety, and it affects their behavior, attitudes and sleep. And of course, that affects me. It can become a downward spiral.
Granted, my kids are really young, so perhaps they will appreciate it more when they're older. Or they may just refuse to wear handmade clothing. There's no way to know. The kids are definitely appreciative, and Harper tells people that "my mommy sewed this," but I'm sure she'd be just as appreciative of a $6 tee bought on sale at Carter's (some of which I plan to buy this afternoon) and saying "my mommy bought me this." In fact, she might like it better because of the instant gratification aspect of it. Currently, she sometimes sees works in progress for weeks before she actually gets to use/wear them.
So, while I've created a significant portion of my kids' spring/summer wardrobe for this year (and continue to do so), I'll be taking my little coupon to the kids' clothing store this afternoon and doing a little filler work so I can stop stressing into the night about whether or not I've coverstitched Harper's leggings with the right color and whether or not I chose the most perfect shade of chambray to go with Ezra's handmade button-downs.
They say that happiness is found in the journey - not the outcome. And it's definitely true when it comes to crafting a handmade wardrobe for your kids or yourself. You learn that certain $20+/yard knit fabrics do, in fact, pill when being worn on a playground by a 3-year-old. And you find certain designers' patterns run large or small or fit your kid's body type. And you realize that as cute as it is, maybe white wasn't the best choice for that sun dress.
You learn new techniques and improve upon old ones. You get better machine and supplies and discover things like Wonder Tape. You stop taking shortcuts and start creating processes. It gets easier and more productive, and you produce better garments. And perhaps you stop creating what you WANT your kids to wear and just make what you know they WILL wear.
It can be overwhelming, I know.
And sometimes, when I'm overwhelmed, I make poor decisions. Personally, I have a habit of hoarding sewing supplies (instead of actually sewing) when I get overwhelmed. I might have a stack of shorts that just need elastic added to be done, but I convince myself that I need to go to the fabric store BECAUSE FABRIC or BECAUSE COUPON or BECAUSE ALL THE THINGS! I will "stock up" on $1.99 patterns that I will never sew, and I waste small amounts of money that add up to large sums. My shopping addiction of a former life (yes, that is a real thing) sometimes rears its ugly head in the form of sewing hoarding, and it's not pretty. Well, it IS often pretty...but it's not good for my family or my overall mental health.
So when you find yourself up at night checking the weather and wondering how you're ever going to get all those shorts done in time for the impending season, remember to relax and think about why we do it all in the first place: our kids. If it becomes overwhelming, that's a sure sign for me that I'm doing it all for ME instead of the kids. They would be happy, healthy people wearing second-hand clothes from the thrift store if I so chose. They might even be better off - who knows!
Enjoy your sewing. Enjoy your kids. And when it gets overwhelming, take a step back. And don't be afraid to buy a few $6 tees.
At least, that's what I'm telling myself. :)
